Policing Paradise
by Ansuz
Summary: Hot Fuzz DannyNicholas. Sandford gets a Tesco, a rampage of local pigs is narrowly averted, Danny outsmarts Nicholas, and the new pub finally opens. Life after the movie. Twoshot.
1. Unquestionable Moral Authority

Warning: Danny/Nicholas; a bit of kissing, nothing outrageous.

Disclaimer: sadly, I don't own the amazingness that is Hot Fuzz. Huzzah to those who do.

* * *

_01 - Unquestionable Moral Authority_

* * *

Nicholas squinted from underneath his peaked cap. The narrow lane was quiet and warmed by sunlight. He yawned openly and rubbed his eyes. Danny's steady munching was the only sound between them. 

"Hey, Nicholas, how did you get stabbed? Y'know," he grinned, "in Lun-din."

"Danny, it's not a moment I'd care to revisit." Nicholas spotted a fleck of mud on his radio and flicked it off. "Suffice to say, the suspect was apprehended." He stood up and clasped his hands behind his back.

Danny shrugged and continued eating his ice cream, content to sit on the ground. "Just askin'," he muttered.

They both watched as an old woman approached on an old, teal bicycle. Mrs. Fletcher on her Saturday run to the new flower shop. "Danny, Nicholas, hello!" She smiled, did a double take, and stopped in front of them. "Have Georgie's pigs been around town again?"

Nicholas and Danny grimaced at the same time. _That_ debacle was still fresh on everybody's mind.

"No ma'am," Nicholas replied wearily. "We…ah," he glanced at Danny, "were conducting some private exercises. Field review and all that." His brows furrowed. "As you know, a police officer must always—"

"Oh, so you were _practising_." Mrs. Fletcher nodded hastily and resumed pedalling. "That's very nice. I won't be taking up your time, then!" She waved over her shoulder, bell trilling. "Cheers!"

Danny laughed at Nicholas' livid expression and finished his cornetto. "Even Mrs. Fletcher isn't interested in police regulations. Don't see how you're going to convince everybody else. 'Specially the Andy's." He licked his fingers and caught the Sergeant's stare. "What?"

"Nothing." Nicholas cleared his throat. "Come on, Danny. Time to be getting back."

"Aww. Doris and Tony are at the pub if anythin's wrong."

Nicholas clenched his jaw. "Being at the pub doesn't count. We're on duty." He marched down the lane. "Where is everyone else?"

"Dunno." Danny stood up and pulled at his shirt. "Can we go to the shop?"

"_No_."

"Aww."

They entered Sandford's main square. Nicholas walked briskly past the fountain to where their squad car was parked. Danny followed reluctantly, eyes scanning the shops along the street. "Didja hear about Annette's old place?"

Nicholas froze, car door half-opened. "No," he replied slowly. "What about Annette's?"

"Somebody's sprayin NWA all over the place." Danny pointed to the shop in question. "Too bad, ain't it? They nearly had it sold to some bloke out of Dublin two weeks ago."

"They what? Why didn't anyone tell me about this?" Nicholas slammed the car door shut and stepped onto the curb. "Hurry up, Danny!"

"I'm coming."

It was strange to see Annette's shop without its 'one schoolchild' poster. Nicholas dug into his pocket and withdrew a set of keys. He unlocked the door and rushed inside, but the interior was dark and dusty. He glanced at Danny. "Where was this graffiti, exactly?"

"Upstairs." There was a careless point for emphasis.

Nicholas frowned. "I see."

The stairs creaked suggestively all the way to the second floor. Nicholas clutched the handle of his nightstick and stepped into the hallway. There were three rooms: two to his left and one to his right.

"Here," Danny carelessly pushed past, "I'll show ya. Nobody's up here during the day, anyway."

Nicholas grabbed for his sleeve, but missed. He muttered something blasphemous and followed, scanning the empty hallway. His neck prickled when Danny simply pushed the door open, but no one was there either.

Nicholas gave his partner a withering look. He walked into Anette's old office and glanced around, studying the walls. "Danny."

"Ya?"

"There is no graffiti in here."

"Oh." Danny shrugged. "Wrong room, I s'ppose." He made to walk away.

"_Danny_."

"Ya?"

"How did you find out about this?" Nicholas glanced out the window and scowled at the people below. He fixed Danny with a penetrating look. "The door is locked. There are no signs of a break-in. I'm the only one with the keys."

"Ya, I know."

"You're beginning to sound like the Andy's." Nicholas crossed his arms. "Now what's this about?"

Danny grinned mischievously. It was the only warning Nicholas had before cold, sticky lips hit his own. He instinctively stepped back, but didn't break away. It was sloppy and inappropriate and the most interesting police matter since Georgie's pigs. Dimly, he realized his back was against the wall, vest pressing uncomfortably against his spine.

"Mm…." Nicholas gently pushed Danny away. "On duty," he croaked, "we're…on duty, Constable."

"I know," Danny murmured breathily, sounding perfectly reasonable. "But nothin's going on and you didn't want to visit the shop, so…."

Nicholas' brows met his hairline. He straightened his cap and cleared his throat, eyes glued to the floor. "This really isn't a constructive use of police time. We're supposed to be working."

It was Danny's turn to raise his eyebrows. "So what?" He asked, breath smelling like chocolate and caramel. "You still have trouble switchin off, don't ya?"

"I'm going to have to be honest. This makes me uncomfortable." Nicholas wiped his lips with the back of his hand, but he could still taste a hint of ice cream.

"So, you wanna visit the shop then?"

"I—no." Nicholas actually hesitated. "Are you always this forward?"

Danny shrugged boyishly. "Sure. We're mates, aren't we?" He suddenly grinned. "Guess what! I bought Supercop yesterday."

Nicholas' face blanked. "Oh," he replied dumbly, then squeezed his eyes shut. "Wait, what about this whole NWA business?"

"Let it go, Nick."

"_No_, I mean your little stunt—"

Danny pressed him against the wall again, his body soft, heavy, and insistent. Nicholas protested incoherently and clutched the hand that slid down his hip. He tried to pull away, to rationalize, but could only mumble a few regulations against Danny's mouth. He resisted for a moment more, then slowly relaxed.

And suddenly everything Danny said made sense.

* * *

Oh, there's more. 


	2. Proper Action

Warning: some swearing, naughty insinuations.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hot Fuzz or Tesco.

* * *

_02 - Proper Action_

* * *

The radio crackled quietly. "Heh, Danny. Are ya busy? Jacob's openin' the new pub. Fancy coming down for a quick pint?" 

Danny grinned and took another bite of his second cornetto of the day. The commendable Sergeant Angel was asleep in the driver's seat; head against the window, mouth open, drooling on his uniform.

"Gimme a minute. Nick's sleepin."

"He's _what?_"

"Yeah, he nodded off a while ago. Lazy bastard!" Danny laughed and nudged Nicholas. "Oi! Wake up!"

Nicholas snorted and shot upright, hand on his nightstick. "What. What?" He wiped the corner of his mouth and met Danny's _gotchya mate_ smile.

"Pub ceremony is in ten minutes. I told Doris we'd be there."

"Oh." Nicholas cleared his throat and started the car. "Right." He glanced over his shoulder and pulled away from the curb, joining the sparse afternoon traffic. Jacob's new pub had opened near the outskirts of Sandford, a quaint little place that had attracted growing curiosity over the last six months.

It was a short drive. The road was draped with leaves and looked as picturesque as it had under the NWA. While Sandford had regained some of its respectability, courtesy of Nicholas and his neurotic attention to detail, it had failed to regain its title as Village of the Year. A tender hope had begun to blossom that perhaps this year would be different.

"God, look at all the people here." Danny leaned forward, cornetto dripping on his knee.

Nicholas glanced heavenward for patience. "It's not that crowded," he muttered belligerently, earning a wide-eyed look from his partner.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Danny, there are two cars." Nicholas frowned and pulled into the well gravelled parking lot in front of the pub. He grasped the parking brake and switched the ignition off, then turned his full attention onto his partner. "While I appreciate the fact that Sandford has a Tesco, I hardly think that every public ceremony now merits a police presence. Certainly not one that involves less than six people."

"You weren't complainin a few minutes ago." Danny wiped the ice cream from his pants and took another healthy bite off its cone. "'Sides, it's the pub. Doesn't matter whether we're still a bit small compared to Lun-din." That earned an incredulous huff. "Still nice to come down and see what's goin' on. Besides, I promised Doris. Do you have somethin better to do?"

Nicholas opened his mouth, then closed it and opened the door. They walked wordlessly towards the pub, and spotted a painted stand filled with bicycles.

Danny grinned. "See? Lotsa people, Nick. Look, that makes seven more people. Oh…wait, that's Kitty's bike. Make that eight more. Ha."

Nicholas gave him a blank look.

"Kitty's niece is here." Danny threw his arms up in exasperation, tossing bits of ice cream on the grass. "Don't you know anythin' 'round here?"

The door's creaking masked Nicholas' embarrassed "no."

It was hot inside the pub—christened The Golden Oak. People were jammed into every quaint corner of the room. Nicholas inhaled deeply and shouldered his way through the crowd, smiling woodenly at a relentless outpouring of hellos and good afternoons.

"Oi, is that Nick and Danny?" A loud, female voice cut through the din. Doris stood up and waved her hands wildly, more for shock value than necessity. "Over here!"

"Heey, Dorie." Danny shoved Nicholas forward and bulldozed through several new faces. There was a mild outcry, but nothing another drink couldn't cure.

Sandford's finest were stationed at the table. Doris sat down with a grin and took a long pull of her beer, though she was still in uniform. The Andy's regarded Nicholas and Danny with bland contempt, one smoking, the other eating a sizable portion of chocolate cake.

"Glad you made it, Nicholarse."

"And your monkey, too."

"Where'd you get the cake?" Danny demanded immediately, cornetto mysteriously absent.

"_Tesco_," was the scathing reply.

Nicholas heaved a long sigh and removed his cap. He walked towards the end seat and would have sat down had he not ran into Mrs. Fletcher. Her arthritic hands were sloshing with beer.

"Goodness, Nicholas. I almost lost my drinks." She laughed heartily before leaning closer, brows furrowed, eyes gleaming. "Say, Sergeant. There's a few grass stains on your trousers. And you're walkin' a bit funny. Georgie's pigs do a number on you, eh?" Her voice carried throughout the entire pub.

The air thickened with hilarity. Nicholas turned around slowly and fixed them all with a hard-edged stare, which had absolutely no effect. The Andy's laughed outright. Doris nearly choked on her drink, and snorted behind her hand. Tony smirked into his glass.

"Yeah, Nick." Danny chimed in. "How's your _knee_?"

Nicholas smiled pleasantly at Mrs. Fletcher, but his face went white with fury. He gave Danny an evil eye as he sat down.

"Still a bit stiff," he replied frostily, and gestured for a pint.

* * *

I don't...do movies, but this fic turned out pretty good considering. I'm happy. R&R if you want. Don't if you don't. 


End file.
